March 16, 1956-December 21, 1990
It's been 17 years since a drunk driver ended all your hopes and dreams on an icy Friday morning. Even though I have since met my soul mate and had two children, there's still a hole in my heart that you once filled. They say time heals all wounds, but some scars never truly heal.
After you died, leaving me alone in our house, I could barely function. I truly believe the garden saved my life. Out of my grief and loss, I carved a garden out of the lawn. The pain in my arms and back from digging helped mask the pain in my heart. Looking forward to Iris reticulata, Crocuses, and Tulips blooming helped me make it through that second winter after you died, which was almost worst than the first, when I was still numb. It wasn't the most well-designed garden, but it helped to raise my spirits enough to pull myself up by my proverbial bootstraps and reinvent my life.
I still miss you. Every time I go to The Planter's Palette I think of you, as you were with me the first time I went to that fabulous nursery. I miss shopping for plants with you, our Sunday night gripe sessions, laughing until tears streamed down my face and I was gasping for air. I miss you, Diane, my big sister, my best friend.
15 comments:
Thank you for sharing this beautiful tribute to your sister. Now, she can live on in our memories too.
I'm so sorry about your tragic loss. This was a lovely tribute to your sister.
I think I remember reading one of your comments on another blog that you've had a cold this week, I hope you're feeling better.
Nan & Robin - thank you for your kind thoughts & your indulgence. I posted this mostly for my parents. It seems counterintuitive, but when people have suffered a great loss, such as that of a child, it actually helps them to have others talk to them about their lost loved one. In losing my sister, I gained understanding and compassion.
Dear MMD, you are right that talking helps, but it's the most difficult part of it. I find that talking about my brother (who took his life in Dec. 96)always brings up the memory of the loss as if it was yesterday. The numbness has gone, but the pain remains. A person leaving forever -- my mind is not capable of grasping it.
The only thing that helps stemming this onrush is keeping up the remembrances, the good moments before the disaster.
Corinna - I hope you don't feel any guilt over your brother's death. I know that's common with family of suicides. Just try to stay focused on the good memories & the good times. Hopefully, in time, that's all you'll remember.
What a touching tribute to your sister. I lost my only brother and so I know what loss feels like.
It's comforting to know that gardening played a large part in dealing with your pain. Planting living things and watching them grow really does lift the spirits.
I like to think that your big sister is looking down and smiling on you at the happy life you have now.
Carolyn Gail - that is so sweet & touching! Thank you.
I'm so sorry for your loss, MMD. A garden is a beautiful way to remember a loved one, and gardening does bring peace to the soul.
I'm sorry not to have commented earlier, but I just realized your feed is not working for me and I can't figure out why.
Thanks, Pam. I've been having technical difficulties with my computer, but I wasn't aware of the feed problem. I'll have to look into that.
Thanks for telling me about this post! How wonderful that gardening helped you, though it must have been unimaginably difficult.
Gardens (not so much gardening per se) also provides mental health benefits to my sister, who is bipolar and is disables. We spend a lot of time together at the local botanical gardens.
Elizabeth - thanks for reading my post! I am a firm believer in garden therapy programs for the mentally ill and for nursing home residents. I hope by the time my children dump me in 1, all of them will have such programs. :^D
Very moving. Now I miss your sister too.
Chuck - how sweet! Thank you. She was wacky, creative, talented & fun. It's almost as if she sensed that her life would not be a long one, so she made the most of it & lived life to the hilt. There's a lesson in there somewhere I think.
This is a beautiful and moving tribute to your sister, I must have missed it last year. I like your last comment about the lesson she left you with, to live life to the hilt.
Carol, May Dreams Gardens
One of my most favorite quotes is, "To me the meanest flower that blows can give thoughts that do often lie too deep for tears." I probably take it out of the original poem's context, but that sentence to me speaks of the power of flowers to speak to and heal us on a subconscious level.
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